Yup, the New York Yankees are the moral arbiter of our nation. Not only will "God Bless America" continue to blare over the loudspeakers but now you won't even be able to freaking move when the song is playing. If Yankee Stadium is this bad now, one can only imagine the civil liberties crackdown in the future. Strap on your Orwell pants, children, because I'm about to show you Yankee Stadium, circa 2012.(God Bless America played over loudspeakers. Security guard walks over to fan)
Guard: Sir, you can't be moving while God Bless America is playing.
Fan: Um, these shackles are kind of tight and I dropped my 18 dollar soda cup.
Guard: I'm going to have to report you to Android Steinbrenner.
Fan: Oh God, please, anything but that, please I'll do anything!
Guard: Mr. Android Steinbrenner needs more human fluids to keep his life-support pod running. You'll have to come with me.
Fan: I won't move anymore, I promise! See (holds shackles binding feet and legs to chair) I can't move during the song! I love America! Jesus, I love America soooo much! (Begins to sob)
Guard: Time to settle down, sir. (Injects sedative into fan's neck. Fan passes out.)
Fan #2: I'm so glad I was forced, I mean willfully listened, to that song. And I'm even more glad that I get to listen to it after every inning!
Guard: Excuse me, what color is that shirt?
Fan #2: Um...green, I know its not an official Yankee shirt but all of my jerseys were in the wash and...
Guard: (Moves closer, brandishes syringe) You are not wearing Yankee merchandise and/or red, white, and blue. You will have to see Android Steinbrenner.
Fan #2: Look, if you loosen these shackles I can show you my official Yankee money clip and pencil. And see my hat? My hat is an authentic pre-batting practice warm-up Yankee cap! I got it in the Yankee store with my Yankee credit card! So you can't arrest me and I don't have to see android Steinbrenner, right?
Guard: (Listens to walkie talkie, nods slowly) That was Mr. Levine. He informs me Mr. Android Steinbrenner hungers for human flesh.
Fan #2: No! I have a daughter, please I just want to watch the gaaaaame. I love Amer- (injected with syringe, passes out)
Guard: We've got the body, Mr. Levine.
Fan #3: (turning to Fan #4) Oh man, did you see Wells for Toronto last night? Blasted another homer. That dude is on fire.
Fan #4: I know, I have him on my fantasy team and he is not for sale! (laughs)
Guard: Excuse me, what did you say?
Fan #3: We were talking about Vernon Wells and the Blue Jays.
Guard: (pulls out laser pistol invented in 2010) You can't talk about a team that is not the Yankees and/or America-based. You will have to leave.
Fan #3: You can't control what we talk about!
Guard: (Fires laser pistol, vaporizes Fan #3's skull) Mr. Android Steinbrenner will enjoy your fleshy torso.
Fan #4: Oh my fucking God! I gotta get out of here. Hey, the song is over, my shackles won't loosen!
Guard: That's because Courage, the Great Bald Eagle of America, hasn't flown around the stadium yet.
Fan #4: Oh.
Guard: And your shackles will remained fastened throughout the ballgame.
Fan #4: But I have to pee.
Guard: (Vaporizes Fan #4's testicles with laser pistol) Problem solved.
Fan #4: Thanks a lot, mister. (Dies)
Go Yankees!
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