SHANXI, CHINA- 7-foot center Greg Oden, the probable first pick of the NBA draft, is actually an ancient and mystical sage who has dwelled in China for nearly one thousand years. It is still unknown how Oden, known as "The Ancient Sage of the Willows" in his homeland, first took interest in the American game of basketball and became one of the best college players in recent years. However, it is clear that at some point after the game of basketball was invented, the wizened Oden decided to come to America and embark on a career in the NBA.BBBC reporters discovered Oden's dwelling, a small temple hidden in a bamboo patch on the base of mountain, while out on a panda-hunting expedition. In this temple the tall center was found deep in meditation. At one point he was seen hovering above the ground, surrounded by a glowing purple aura. According to Oden, he had practiced "battosai meditation" for 400 years, using his mind as a weapon against the imperial forces of the invading Tokugawa shogunate. Oden believed he learned his strong basketball defensive skills from battling the Japanese invaders. His longevity has allowed him to master 512 different martial art styles and the ability to control his sprit energy or "chi." Oden showed reporters his personal basketball court, a simple pit of sand lined with rare "gencho stones." Instead of using a basketball, Oden practiced with a 600-pound mountain rock, moving the tremendous boulder through the air with his sprit energy. After the workout, he gave one reporter a golden staff to commemorate the visit and told him that it was time for the public to learn the truth. "They must know I am not 19 years-old," he said.
The revelation of Oden's age is not completely shocking. Oden's wrinkled face had led many to wonder if he was much older than 19. Now that it has been revealed that Oden is centuries old, many experts have speculated that his draft stock will drop. "I definitely think his age is a concern," said ESPN NBA analyst Kiki Vanderweghe. "Although Oden has proved he can live far longer than any mortal, his foot speed, blocking ability, and overall agility must have been hindered by hundreds of years of rugged living. His career could be shortened by his advanced age." However, fellow NBA analyst Stephen A. Smith disagrees with the Oden doubters. "Greg Oden is one of the great prospects of our generation. Whether he is 19, 30, or even 900 years-old, it doesn't make a difference. If anything, Oden's ability to teleport, levitate, and survive the sting of ten thousand arrows only enhances his draft stock. Portland should not hesitate to take Oden!" Smith also added that he wishes Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith was still on the air.
Greg Oden killed this man and his flying ox 753 years ago
Ohio State issued a statement, acknowledging that they knew of Oden's true age but believed he still should have been allowed to pursue a college career. "The Ohio State University does not discriminate based on age. Mr. Oden wished to pursue an education with us and we obliged. His abilities to fly and bend the space-time continuum had no bearing on him being admitted to The Ohio State University." The NCAA has yet to comment on Oden's true age. NBA commissioner David Stern issued a statement. "Greg Oden will be a wonderful addition to the National Basketball Association. His Chinese heritage will help to market the game globally and his mastery of the martial arts will attract the burgeoning "NBA fans who are martial artists" demographic."
Oden flew to America yesterday after the NBA draft lottery. He answered questions at a New York hotel, seemingly unfazed by the media scrutiny. "The pressures of the NBA will not affect my play," said Oden. "I only want to help my future team win and contribute to the growth of our sport. After opposing the mighty forces of Takeru Kensei and his dragon on the fields of Nanjing 640 years ago, playing in the NBA will be an easy task."
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