Friday Special: Yeah...I'm Not Really Into Pitching Anymore

Every Friday we at BBBC bring you a very special message from a professional athlete. This week's guest is Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano.

Hey Yankee fans, it's your friend Carl Pavano. I know things haven't gone exactly as planned in my time here in New York. I've acquired nicknames such as "The Rajah of Rehab" and "American Idle" for my lack of pitching. Now I face another injury and might not be able to pitch until 2014, I mean 2008. I haven't been completly honest with the fans of New York about my condition. The truth is...um...well...ahem, the truth is that I don't really like baseball.

There, I said it. I don't want to pitch. It's freakin' scary out there. All of these crazy people telling me to throw this little ball past some giant freak at homeplate...it's insanity. Jesus Christ, I urinate in my expensive velvet boxers just thinking about it. Besides from being scary, baseball is boring. There are so many other things that I'd rather do. I was thinking of taking up pottery actually. Last July, I saw this great special on the Discovery Channel about pottery around the world. I see myself in five years as "Carl Pavano, the potter of the Gods."

If pottery doesn't work out, I can always become a hair stylist. I love hair. When I was in high school, my dad always made me hang out with the smelly ballplayers. My dad used cheap conditioner, by the way. Ugh. I think I could open up a little place in Manhattan and style for the rich and famous. Hightlights will be my speciality. Any girl in the city will be looking 30 years younger after they come out of "Carl's Cuts." Hmm..or maybe I can just call my salon "The Pavano." Yeah...

Trust me, it's been so liberating not having to play anymore. With the money I'm being paid, there is so much to do. Those sweaty trolls are hanging out in Yankee Field or whatever it's called playing there little ballgames while I'm cruising the 'burbs, just chilling. On these hot spring days I love to buy a tub of Ben and Jerry's chocolate mint and just pig out, ya know? I stretch out on the park bench and just nap for a few hours listening to Celine Dion. After that, I hang out in my jacuzzi and call over some of the guys to snuggle...I mean play poker. Once the guys are out of Casa de Carl, I open up one of my safes and count my money. I don't know what I love more: watching The Rachel Ray Show, the Oxygen Network, or counting my money. My maid Javier and I watch Oxygen in the mornings so I would have to vote for "the big O." Girl power!

Sorry baseball fans, but you'll just have to realize I'm more than just a ballplayer. I am a beautiful human being with a variety of deep interests, such as ice cream and Celine Dion. Excuse me now, but I have an appointment with Dr. Yocum. Wow, suddenly my arm is feeling really sore.