Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Dr. Orgasmo's Time-Travel Journal

BBBC's animal correspondent Dr. Orgasmo recently journeyed twenty years into the future in a time machine. His mission: to document the changes in the world of sports. The good doctor accomplished this task thanks to BBBC's time-aeronautics engineering lab hidden under a rocky crevice in northern Idaho. We at BBBC are not sure if we are willing to share the secrets of time-travel technology with the public but we are more than happy to share Dr. Orgasmo's view of the future. (The good doctor is pictured above in his time-travel suit)

Note: Entries were translated from Dr. Orgasmo's native language of Portuguese

The world of 2027 is a strange and bewildering place. First of all, no one wears underpants. I don't know why but I think it is just a fashion trend. At some point I hope to journey another ten years into the future to the year 2037 to see if the world has rediscovered underpants. I'm sure you want to know other things about the future before I delve into the world of sports. I am sorry to report but there are no flying cars. Just flying tricycles. Again, I am not sure why. The president of the United States is a homosexual, black, communist woman. Nah, I'm just kidding. I think he's a white guy named Steve Johnson or something generic like that. The most popular piece of technology is a toothbrush/computer/cell phone/condom-holder/music-player/letter-opener/DVD store called the iLotsofShit, which is produced by Macintosh. When I visited in April of 2027, the most anticipated movie (it was coming out in June) was called Awesome Action Explosion Force 9, starring the much older Olsen Twins. Again, I was quite bewildered.

The iLotsofShit is the most popular gadget in the year 2027

Now I will discuss the sporting world. Like everything else in 2027, the world of sports make little sense to we of the year 2007. The most popular sport in America is American Idol Gladiator Death Boxing, a reality-show/sport that incorporates singing and dangerous combat. I am not quite sure how the sport works. When I watched it on my MechaHD TV (MechaHD allows you to actually see the germ cells of people on TV) there appeared to be four feminine-looking men jumping around on trampolines with spiked boxing gloves. They were singing some song by the Bee Gees and trying to punch one another. After a few minutes, a referee clad in a white tunic parachuted down from the top of the arena and administered an electric shock to one of the contestants. I really was confused by the whole affair.

I should talk more about the traditional sports. Baseball, football, and basketball are each popular but pale in comparison to AIGDB. NASCAR was outlawed after Tony Stewart's drunken rampage in 2016. I believe he slaughtered hundreds in the Los Angeles area with his murderous driving skills. The NHL is now a semi-pro league existing only in Mexico and Canada. In the future, the Mexicans seem to like Hockey a lot.

Valerio Ojeda Galragesazanzo scores a goal for the Cancun Spider Monkeys

The defending World Series champion is the San Jose/Fremont/Boca Vista Athletics, who defeated the Kansas City Royals in six games. The Royals won both the 2024 and 2025 World Series thanks to strong pitching from Felipe Bernstein (he won 20 games both years) and slugger Sammy Sosa Jr., who is 7'3'' and weighs 400 lbs., making him the second largest player in baseball. The A's were the underdogs going into the '26 season and won because of Julio Franco who at 68 years of age hit thirty-two homeruns. It was widely speculated that Franco spliced lizard DNA with an HGH serum. As of April of 2027, he was the only player to have a tail and two stomachs. Other than these oddities, baseball is relatively unchanged. The highest paid player makes 100 million dollars per day (players are paid daily in the 2020's) and the average utility infielder hauls in about 5 million per day. Due to crazy-ass inflation, a loaf of bread costs 800,000 dollars, thus making these salaries seem less insane.

I totally forgot to mention that Felipe Bernstein is a Jewish robot

I didn't pay as much attention to football and basketball. My chimpanzee curiosity only takes me so far. I did read in The Daily Future News that the Cincinnati Bengals led the league in suspensions again. There was talk that the Bengals were going to form their own crime syndicate instead of playing football because apparently selling high-grade uranium to terrorists pays better than football. Morten Anderson, now in his 60's, still kicks in the NFL. Commissioner Goodell approved the use of a cybernetic leg around 2023, thus prolonging Anderson's career. Also, all uniforms in the NFL are bright orange because the commissioner signed a five-year sponsorship deal with orange-flavored Gatorade.

In the year 2027, every fucking football jersey looks like this

Basketball is a little different in 2027. The ball is made out of a shiny green goo and all players must wear gloves when handling the ball. Michael Jordan clone #3 dominates the NBA, averaging 245 points per game. The hoop is now only four feet high so scoring has become much easier. Unfortunately, short-shorts are back in style and are even shorter than they were in the 80's. It is not an uncommon sight to see Michael Jordan clone #3's clone testicles. I should mention why clones are now playing. The NBA was the only sport to permit clone participation. All other sports banned clones after Michael Jordan clone #2 tried to play baseball but instead impaled the entire Detroit Tigers' roster with his super-clone fist.

Michael Jordan clone #2's fist of fury that killed so many Detroit Tigers

I hope to travel more and document my visits to these strange new worlds. Next time I will travel to the year 2037 and investigate the underpants issue mentioned earlier. After that quest, the sky is truly the limit. If BBBC continues to finance my expeditions, I could be telling you about giant gorilla ping pong in the year 3954 or ice age hockey in the year 12000. Perhaps I will journey backwards in time as well. I always wanted to kick King Phillip II in the balls for some reason...Ok I'm rambling now, happy trails, you crazy homo sapiens!

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